So after my dilemma last week with the port, everything went much better this week. The nurse who accessed me did make a comment about how strange my port was. It's a Bard Slim Port which I guess are the newer of the ports. Awesome. I'm just glad it's working the way it should. Just need to tell my body to focus on fighting off the tumor and to leave the port alone!!!
Anyway, so this coming Tuesday is my first MRI since I started the chemo. I'm so nervous which means I'm moody and hard to be around. My poor husband has to deal with all my ups and downs. I was trying to be a good wife and let him have "man time" this weekend. After all, since I got my chemo 5 days apart (instead of 7) I was very sick during the week. I had him running to the store to get me food and taking care of me for 2 straight days. Friday after work we had a low-key date night which was nice to just connect with him. Saturday I turned into a crazy, depressed woman. I didn't want to be around people and was between crying and laughing all day. So Sunday, I let the husband have some man time. Time alone actually also made me sad. I spent the majority of the morning in bed reading. When I did finally wake up, I moped around and got mad at everything. So by the time he got home, I was angry and sad. I don't know why I feel so awful these days. It has to be the pre-scan jitters.
Why do I have these pre-scan jitters? It's been 3 years since my whole ordeal started and I just don't want to hear anything but the fact the poision they've been putting in me is working. It has to be working. I try so hard to be strong and to not let this bring me down. You are the one who decides how happy you are, right? I want to be happy and other people want to see me happy. No one wants to hear that having chemo is awful, that my hair is falling out or that I'm depressed. People want to know that I'm fighting the good fight. It's just a hard facade to put up all the time. Sometimes I want someone to really ask me how I'm doing. To really understand me. To not just hear that I'm "ok" and move on to talk about the latest sports, weather, etc. I really want someone to hear how I'm doing, to ask me questions and to just let me feel. It's more than just hearing that sometimes I get sick. Or that my hair falling out makes me not want to brush it. I don't want a solution on how to make me happier. I just want someone to really hear me. I'm angry my clothes don't fit because I'm too tired to work out. I'm upset because my hair is one of my favorite parts of me and its falling out faster than it's growing. I never want to eat because nothing sounds good to me anymore. Food has lost its appeal because the burnt chemo taste lingers even when it's not there.
My first scan has to be OK. My tumor has to be shrinking. I have to get healthy soon.
I feel like I'm going to implode and it's my fault.
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