Chemo vs Tumor

Had my first MRI yesterday to check the progress of the chemo. Chemo v tumor. It looks like the methotrexate and the vinblastine are not working as expected. That's is just my luck with all of this. Score another point for the tumor. Here's how things went down for the day:

Got into the doctor's office this morning and was excited and nervous that today is my first scan results. My husband and I were driving down and he asked why I was so nervous. In a candid moment (I'm working on having more of those since my last post), I told him I was 80% sure it was shrinking and 20% afraid that it was growing.

So we get into the hospital and go thru all the hoops to get checked in. The doctor comes and says they dont have results quite yet. Hang tight - they'll call me in the afternoon. So they order the chemo which I SWEAR takes forever. Eventually one of my two favorite nurses comes in to access my beloved and hated port. They don't get blood return so they ordered TPA. TPA takes 2 hours to work so we're just hanging around. I got an x-ray to check the bone and then my lovely hot husband took me to the golden arches for lunch (yum!).

We got back and they sent my doctor in to see me. Well fuck. He says the overall tumor length looks to be the same or slightly smaller which is good news. However the bone erosion from the desmoid is bigger and almost twice the size. That is awful. Ground zero where the tumor started is continuing to grow. I started to cry and then did this great steel wall. I just don't know. How can you deal with this not working? I mean the odds were in my favor. 33% to shrink the thing, 33% to stop it and 33% for it to grow.

I'm annoyed and angry. How can this thing not just die. I value being tenacious but not when it's something like this. I don't know how to feel right now. I'm empty and void of emotions. I can't be mad, upset or angry because I've already done that. I've already dealt with all the pain and emotion. It's too fresh to open that scab again. My husband (God bless him) is a wreck. He is so sad for me. I look at him and I know I should be feeling more. Feeling depressed and hating life. I can't do that because I can't stop living life. Allowing myself to wallow in self-pity makes me feel like IT'S winning and not me. Or maybe I'm still in denial. Honestly, chemo sucks. Any alternative is going to be the same or better so why worry about it. The thing that makes me the most upset is that if I continue to have chemo or radiation that I won't be able to have children. We have some frozen babies which is good but I always wanted to feel them grow within me. I guess compromises will eventually have to be made. If the tumor keeps eating my bone, it'll put a hole in it and it will shatter. We'll keep fighting and keep praying. I'll post one day when I've won and not my tumor.