Make me a promise

This post was going to be called "I hate today". After writing the whole thing I changed it. However, I do really hate today.

Today is results day. I'm about 2ish hours away from finding out what is going on in my arm. I've been on chemo for 5 months now and I'm really hoping to see something. ANYTHING. The more times I do the MRI and results, the more horrible it becomes. I find myself the week before tearing up just thinking about going. My stomach starts to do flips about 3 days beforehand. I dread going to the doctor's. I pick fights with people who I love. I become self-centered forgetting to ask about other people.

I tried to take off some personal time on Monday so I could find my inner balance. Work made me get on calls during my personal time. Fantastic. You know what makes a crabby person even crabbier? Making them work when they are off. I'm not off for my own personal enjoyment. I'm doing this FOR work. If you look at me the wrong way, I freak out. I am a horrible person to be around right now. That is why I am taking personal time. That is why I'm opting to work from home. I know people don't get it, but I know myself.

So in a few hours, we'll get the magical results. Will they be inconclusive like they have been for the past 2 years? Will it grow? Or will it FINALLY decide to give up and shrink? I talked to my doctor and if you get the big bang results at the beginning that's probably all you are going to get in terms of shrinking. However, with the Nexavar if your results are slow to show up, you are likely to get better results over a longer period. I'm hoping that's me. Long period of slow shrinking.

I'm buried in my own thoughts today. I'm miserable. I went on an early morning run (so not me) to hope to wear my brain and body out.

Make me a promise... will you? Pray for me that this monster of a tumor goes away. If it doesn't make me a promise that you'll help me find a cure.