Sometimes, when I'm driving or sitting at work or just watching tv, I stop and think for just a second. I think that this is what it feels like to be normal. I think back to the 12 months of chemo and remember that I didn't really feel like me for a whole year. I had chemicals injected into me. On good days, the drugs made me sleep all day and on bad days that I spent hours in the bathroom. I cry from time to time, thinking about last year. I believe part of me wants to forget everything and erase the entire year from my memory.
Other times, I know myself better. I think back to last year as a year of lessons learned. I think God was trying to teach me some hard life lessons. Maybe the lesson was to learn to lean on others. That every time I think I should just do something myself, that I should try to lean on others for they can be strong when I am not. Or maybe the lesson is in patience. My tumor should start going "dark" on the MRI scans when its dead.... except its been a year and its not getting dark yet. Patience is not my strong suit.
A desmoid tumor is an invasive tumor. It gnaws away at healthy tissue consuming each and every tissue, organ and living organism in its path. It feeds on the living tissue and when its finished it moves on. Only it's not one dimensional, for each arm it sprouts, sprouts 4 more and each of those 4 more consuming healthy tissue faster and faster. It doesn't metastasize but it keeps growing. I'm coming to terms with the fact that it really is cancer. Or at least a sibling of cancer. It's a nasty disease and even though my tumor stopped growing, its always going to be a part of me.
I wonder when I'll stop thinking about it.
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