I Am

I've been back at work for almost 4 weeks now and every now and then I remember the days that have passed. Today is one of those kinds of day. Today marks 6 weeks that I've had my arm in a sling and 6 weeks since I've finished treatment. I can't express how happy I am. I get stressed with work and feel a sense of guilt that I should have been there doing my job. I think the feeling of guilt is because there were so many things at work that were waiting for me. I came back to a mountain of work and it seems like that mountain is growing with every day I'm back. I feel guilty because if I had been healthy last year, my projects would have moved forward. Guilt and panic are getting me no where.

Let's talk about my fear about going back. I feel like my broken arm is an invitation for people I know and don't know to ask me about how I'm doing. People tell me I look great ... <for having been on chemo>. They don't say it, but it's implied. They ask if I'm OK. Yes, I guess I am fine. My tumor is not growing. Mostly they ask me how I broke my arm. I officially lie. I'm a horrible liar but I've said it so many times it almost feels real. I tell people I have a weak bone and that my dog ran after a squirrel. The sudden sprint of the dog just snapped it. It's a total lie. <sigh>

The truth? My bone has been getting weaker and weaker over the past year. The tumor ate a large chunk of the bone. In fact, it ate its way entirely through the bone. That is the truth. I'm tired of people looking at me like I'm broken. I am not broken. My bone may never heal. It might get worse or it might get better. It might soft-tissue heal. I get to see my bone doctor about the situation this afternoon and I am expecting the worst. I'm expecting that it won't be healing. I want out of the sling for the pure fact people I don't know at the grocery store, work, tailor, etc will stop asking me about my arm.

So what am I? Happy, stressed, panicked, a liar and not broken. More important to me? I am strong. I am a fighter. I now have a better sense of me. I know work is not the most important thing in life. I value my friends and family now more than ever. I value time with the dog and time just spent enjoying life. And after 2 years of marriage, I love my husband more than ever. :)