What's Important...

...is honestly, lying upstairs asleep. It's my husband and he is out for the count.

Tonight, I'm posting just to vent. I'm venting because I need a healthy way to release about what's been running through my head instead of sleeping.

You might think I'm worried or upset. You would be partially right, but it's probably not what you're thinking.

I've become obsessed with what other people think about me. I'm sick, so why don't I look sick? You're off work, but you seem to be awfully busy -- shouldn't you be working? You're having a glass of wine - didn't they say not to drink?

I just want to be. I don't want to be judged. No, I don't look sick because I'm on "low-dose" chemo. It still makes me vomit 2-3 days a week and exhausts me so I sleep all the time. Yes, I sleep like 10 hours a night and I still wake up groggy.

Yes, I'm busy because I need something to do when I feel OK. I need to feel fulfilled. Trust me, there is only so much daytime tv, reading and general passing of time you can do. I need crafting to feel whole. Well, crafting and blogging.

Then there is drinking. Recently the doctor and I had a heart-to-heart about drinking. I asked some very probing questions and found out what my liver can really handle. If I'm drinking, it's because I asked. I'm a rule follower. I always have been and probably always will be.

Ok, so back to my obsession with people and what they think. I find it really funny, that even when you're out of high school that there are still the "cool kids". With my new craft blog (which I LOVE) there are popular crafting blogs. I so badly want to be one of them. I'm not cool enough. I don't have enough followers and people don't blog about me. Sounds like high school? I don't have enough online friends, so people online won't talk about me. Typing that sounds lame. The blog about my personal life actually has more followers and more blog visits per week than the blog I enjoy working on.

Then there is work. I'm off from work and I miss it so much. I miss having something that I feel like I can really contribute and feel part of. At work, there are the popular kids too. There's gossip and scandals and all of the drama you would expect somewhere else. I'm so worried about what people will think.

What I want to be worried about is the following (a) my health and (b) my family. It's in that order for now until I get 100% healthy. Me being less than 100% worries my family and getting better will make them better too.

So fellow 50+ people who read my blog a week, tell me: do you worry about what other people think?